Reality Check: Walmart

A little background:
We had no clean clothes. None. We were to that point where you pull out your last two clean pairs of underwear and they are the underwear that you never wear, ever. The ones you aren't sure why you still own because they are falling apart, don't fit right and are really uncomfortable. I'm wearing that pair of underwear when this story takes place, in case you were curious. We needed to do laundry.

In order to do laundry at our house/apartment, we must pay $1.25 into the washer and another $1.25 to the dryer or the little gnomes that live inside these machines and make them run will refuse to work for us. And the gnomes only accept quarters. We had no quarters, hence why no laundry had been done in many days at Hale Winskye. Quarters were needed. Banks were closed. What to do? Which is what I asked Joe. And he came up with what was probably the most horrifying answer I had ever heard; we must visit that beacon of all that is crowded, disorganized and wrong with the world: Walmart.

I try not to visit big-box stores if I can avoid it, fearing the sale-hunting crazies that will run me down with their carts or smother me between their close-pressed shoulders as they fight other shoppers for the last $.01 can of sardines on the shelf. Desperate to avoid the untold number of frustrations that Walmart has presented me in the past, I remained at home while my braver and calmer half went on the shopping mission. In case you didn't readily recognize him by the description I just gave, this is a story about Joe. It begins like this:

My brave (and sometimes ridiculous) husband, Joe, walks into our local Walmart. It's about a twenty minute drive from our house through sucky traffic and with convenient but frustrating parking (as in, parking is conveniently right out front but frustratingly difficult to find). He bravely enters the store, acquiring a loaf of bread and stands in an endless line to check out and beg for a roll of quarters. He's standing in his line, minding his own business, when, out of nowhere, he is approached by an elderly Asian woman. Pretend you are listening to Joe recount this next part in Elderly Asian Woman's voice.

"Oh, you are so handsome. Are they treating you well?" asks Elderly Asian Woman, looking around to indicate the store.

"Yes, thank you very much," laughs Joe.

"You have to spend a lot of money or they won't let you out of here," says Elderly Asian Lady conspiratorially, and then begins to walk away. After a moment she pauses, looks back at Joe with a sincere look of concern, and says, "I'm only kidding."

I can only image that at that moment, Joe let out a huge sigh of relief, and that Elderly Asian Woman, relieved that she has set the record straight about Walmart, continues on her way.

Happy shopping.